well... applying relational mastery

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So last weekend to make a long story short I had a terrible time when I went out with my roommate. I had wanted to check out this dance party at an all girls college near by but I'd never been there and didn't really want to drive 20 min each way and show up by myself. So I probably spent 2 1/2 hours convincing my roommate to come with me. Again to make a long story short it was a lousy night and I came to the realization that I have had a co-dependent relationship with my roommate a lot of the time. Its like I needed him to come with me but I didn't really even want to spend time with him I was just looking to get some girls I guess and didn't want to go alone. He can be dependent upon me sometimes as well. I've committed myself to more interdependence with him.

Also with this forum I had been looking at it too often. I just would have a compulsion to go on and read posts and would be thinking about it too much so I just stopped going on for all of last week and it really helped a lot. Ill probably try to go on once a week.

So all week I really just got up, went to work (or school really) in the real world, only watched natural grounding videos for entertainment or just enjoyed some moments of silence. It really helped clear my head. Even my 'alpha state music' had to be turned off for most of the time because for me listening to music too much kind of dulls the positive effects of it and contributes to noise. I would rather listen to music while doing nothing else. And would rather not listen to music while I'm doing something. Its more powerful for me to listen to something for an hour while just sitting there doing nothing than to listen to it for 6 hours while Im not even really paying attention because Im doing something else. I also took some time to find some new resources and want to start switching things up some more. I just got 2005 tiwa hula hula and also an angels and airwaves cd, and the lion king soundtrack (having a little trouble gettin into this one I admit).

The biggest thing though is that I once again haven't looked at porn in probably three weeks or a month. I don't know exactly because it wasn't really a conscious decision. I just really didn't want to. Somehow it feels different this time than other times too. Like I really think I don't want to look at porn ever again. Not because it even makes me feel bad. I'm just tired of fantasy. I'm not interested in it anymore. I want reality.

It seems like now I've kind of been redirecting my lust (maybe its the right word or maybe not sexual energy maybe?) towards women in the real world. Like 4 or 5 days ago I remember i noticed some girls cleavage for the first time in a while. Oddly enough this like seemed like some big step in the right direction for me. At this point for me its not really about getting though its about opening up and listening and connecting and having fun. Maybe that's why it feels right to notice a woman's body.

Oddly enough I've gotten more nervous around girls but somehow I feel a lot better. Its like before when I would watch porn I felt like I was getting laid all the time but it really was a fantasy. Now I'm really seeing things for how they really are and its exciting. Its like the last time I went out and had success I thought I was all off physiologically and felt kind of nervous, goofy, etc. But.. I didn't care. I wasn't ashamed or afraid to be who I was even if its nervous and goofy. And I had a really powerful, steady, clear state of mind. Anyways that's more how I've felt lately and will continue to feel. I still want to drop that nervousness/goofiness.

Any comments, questions, stories. Let me know.

[Nexus Paradigm]

The biggest thing though is that I once again haven't looked at porn in probably three weeks or a month. I don't know exactly because it wasn't really a conscious decision. I just really didn't want to. Somehow it feels different this time than other times too. Like I really think I don't want to look at porn ever again. Not because it even makes me feel bad. I'm just tired of fantasy. I'm not interested in it anymore. I want reality.

It seems like now I've kind of been redirecting my lust (maybe its the right word or maybe not sexual energy maybe?) towards women in the real world. Like 4 or 5 days ago I remember i noticed some girls cleavage for the first time in a while. Oddly enough this like seemed like some big step in the right direction for me. At this point for me its not really about getting though its about opening up and listening and connecting and having fun. Maybe that's why it feels right to notice a woman's body.

Oddly enough I've gotten more nervous around girls but somehow I feel a lot better. Its like before when I would watch porn I felt like I was getting laid all the time but it really was a fantasy. Now I'm really seeing things for how they really are and its exciting. Its like the last time I went out and had success I thought I was all off physiologically and felt kind of nervous, goofy, etc. But.. I didn't care. I wasn't ashamed or afraid to be who I was even if its nervous and goofy. And I had a really powerful, steady, clear state of mind. Anyways that's more how I've felt lately and will continue to feel. I still want to drop that nervousness/goofiness.

I to have felt like this I am still somewhat nervous around women I can't figure it out just yet I guess some conditioning and beliefs I have to work on still but I have gotten better I still have a ways to go I can definitely differentiate between natural and acting now its almost second nature girls have become more opened to me still have to work on escalating to the sex but in no rush

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yeah.. I have a couple ideas why I've been a bit nervous lately. I still definitely have some fears to release but they are simple fears to me. I think Im ready now to get some more experience. Its more like a little bit of over-excitement. I've also been thinking maybe I need to "relieve the pressure" a little more often. I'm definitely not trying to practice tantra right now and don't think I'm ready for that.

The funny thing about me is I've had sex, even with some really hot girls before. But I don't have much experience being friends with them. And I've been getting a little more into that lately. Ideally I want to have both worlds where I can be really good friends with them and be able to play with them too. But I really just enjoy spending time with them. ANd just getting in more meaningful, deeper relationships with people in general.

The funny thing is I have a pretty good batting average of sleeping with a girl once I kiss her, but I can probably count on both hands the number of girls I've kissed lol. I still have this block up about kissing girls or making moves or whatever. And just starting new relationships, mingling, I haven't been very good at.

But I think its all simple stuff. Its just like procrastinating on my homework or something though you know I just have to actually do it. Even though its so simple I still put it off.

My goal here really isn't to sleep with a million girls or to be an uber player or something. Its just to have a happier, more fulfilling life. And to be emotionally mature. Doing my homework, taking care of my car, paying my bills, exercising and going out and meeting girls are all the same thing to me at this point (I've always been a slacker). They're so simple but I have to really focus to do them. That's why my focus is so much on relational mastery right now. Natural grounding and cutting out porn have really been helping.

I want reality. Not fantasy.

[Nexus Paradigm]

Yeah I'm similar but lately I have been taking action towards achieving my goals stay fit take martial arts become emotionally, physically, and spiritually stronger and not to be ashamed for who I am and to be authentic as possible

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How's everything been going? What sort of martial arts? I'm going to start doing the P90X probably later today and I'll start boxing soon again too.

hmmm... I've been thinking lately that a lot of what etienne teaches is really strongly related to relational mastery which is about choosing what you let affect you. But as far as negative things that affect you or things you get rid of Rion doesn't go into a whole lot of detail while I think etienne fills in the gap some with letting go. That's really what I've been working on a lot lately. Letting go of emotions, thoughts, etc. That and awareness are the ways to relational mastery I really think. But its all just about being aware of yourself, dropping excuses, not trying to hold onto feelings etc. Maybe I'm being redundant but its all pretty new to me. When you let go of things and just move from one thing to the next without hesitation, that's really the flow. It's difficult sometimes to let go of good feelings too. Very simple but not always easy to do.
Its easier when the emotions are more acute and in your face, and a lot harder when they are suppressed and covered up. This is why stress and challenges are so important to growth. They bring up everything that's been there but you weren't aware of and they force you to deal with it. One of the most important emails I ever got from rion was called dream reel extreme edition. It was all about creating life experiences that challenge you, even your survival. I guess this is what those sort of experiences do. The hardest part I think is bringing this stuff up and sometimes it helps to have guidance. The hardest part for me sometimes is knowing where to go next.. But at the end of the day I think you know what you really need to be in relation to and its about dropping the other stuff and listening to yourself.

I to have felt like this I am still somewhat nervous around women I can't figure it out just yet I guess some conditioning and beliefs I have to work on still but I have gotten better I still have a ways to go I can definitely differentiate between natural and acting now its almost second nature girls have become more opened to me still have to work on escalating to the sex but in no rush

How's that been going lately? I'm convinced its better to be nervous than to just not be motivated. I've kind of been seeing fear lately more as it was meant to be.. something that keeps you on your toes, pumps you up, makes you pay attention more when you need it, rather than something that paralyzes you or holds you back. I've had more of a problem with not associating being with girls or meeting them with sexuality and physical relationships (natural grounding and experience especially will help with this). I really think that at this point both of us probably have the level of awareness of femininity and natural vs. social that if we are nervous around girls that's a good thing. We can use that energy to help us let go of our fears and connect.
The point is that I think relational mastery really is about emotions and not so much about logic as everyone would say. Your mind I think makes up all sorts of ridiculous stories interpreting your emotions instead of you just feeling them and going with the flow. As rion quoted jay-z as saying: if you're thinking too much you're not doing it right!

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And it helps not to be too melodramatic about stuff either... That's something else I've learned. Just be real with yourself. That's something that helps you overcome stuff you've been afraid of.